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myhistoricmoment

Tableau

There are memories attached to these words, and feelings attached to these memories. I remember being in that lot, on the incline side, for a walk and you explaining what that word meant. I close my eyes, I can see you. I listen hard enough, I can hear you. I can only assume that life has cheated me and and I’ve sold myself short. I could not possibly imagine anything worse than mulling over a future diverged on a different path. Daydreaming about a life not yet lived and that I will never live. I never lost anyone, because I have never loved anyone. And that changed when I met you. both birds dead, same stone. I feel the world falling apart, and mine fading. You give me meaning. I find it to be both beautiful and terrifying. The most beautiful ghost I never seen. Your love should be illegeal Because when you left I felt like I was dying. I hope they take you in for homicide. All that’s left to do now is entertain myself with old memories. I feel like I may have did this human thing all wrong. Sometimes I just stare at pictures of your face. My favorite love story is ours. Even if it never gets reproduced into hundreds of copies, or passed on from one generation to the next, or made into a movie, I know, that what we have is better than Casablanca, The Notebook, or anything Disney could ever trademark. It’s mine. Before I’d dance with the idea that I’ll never be shit. But now I hold you close in my head hoping the music never stops. The highest high I’ve ever felt, came from our union and separation. I hope the residual of our love lives another lifetime with either your last name or mine. I get upset wondering how things went from wishing you were here, to wishing you the best. I watched happiness come, and I watched it go. But this time when it walked away, I didnt know it would be that beautiful. There’s a lot more that goes into loving you than I could ever put into words. So when you go, don’t forget to take my love with you. I won’t be needing it. I know I could never feel how I feel about you for someone else.

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I’ve never been more in love with anyone else in my entire life. It’s to the point where I want to throw all reason out of the window. Everything is empty now. A wild love. Because she’s a little bit of everything. Passion, persistence, patience, I fucking love you. It’s like my heart is on fire for you. I couldn’t find another you in another lifetime if I wanted to. If I could pick any time period to put on an endless loop it would start at the day I met you. I want to tell you things. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. Love is fuck. And I know you want to be mad at me, I want to be mad too. It’s easier to walk away when it’s fuck you, and fuck you too. But I want to fuck you and maybe you want to fuck too. Because when it was us together the world stopped. And I still feel it. I can’t pay attention to anything else. I just wish you’d understand. So that’s why even when everything disappeared, and you did too, I wanted to get over it how I get over everything, not caring. But I can’t. I’ve been infected by you, love sick.

Love Always,

I’m not perfect, but if I have roughly 100 years here I’m not going to waste it living vicariously through my cell phone.

I think it’s a good idea to get your midlife crisis out of the way before you arrive at that awkward purgatory peak between birth and death. Breath. Think. Then accept all of the things that you’re too old to do, and unable to do due to prior obligation. Optimism is amazing, and never say never, but being realistic about your circumstances can keep you from chasing a pipe dream that requires more time than you’re allowed on this Earth. Learn to accept all of those “hey, that’ll never happen” and the easier it gets. There are inherent limits to being human. I believe that you’re truly free when you no longer fear forever. Despair is a terrible feeling, and eternity is a really long time, but if death is the counterweight to life, aren’t you glad you at least experienced it? Maybe you’ll take your memories wherever you go. Maybe you won’t. But you’ll have to say goodbye the same way you said hello. If you could live forever, would you want to?

I’m grateful for my experiences, the people I’ve met and still know, the opportunities I’ve come across, and whatever force that keeps pushing me along.

One Year

Happiness without tax.

Smiles without a catch.

What are you waiting for?

You wanna fall in fucking love or what?

You

The car

The beach

The best

And beyond unreal

Again?

Thinking About Tomorrow

Imagine what you almost had.

Imagine what you want.

Life is crazy.

Life is lovely.

I’m addicted to you.

Cold Showers In The Middle of Winter

You’re resposible for your own survival, and being an adult can be difficult. It takes more discipline than you’ve anticipated. You can decide to dedicate yourself to become something, do too much, do too little, or do nothing at all. Whatever you choose, time won’t wait up. There’s no reset button, only an infinite amount of possibilities and outcomes. Before, you had all the time in front of you, but now as an adult, it seems you’ve caught up. And as you get older, it seems like time is gradually getting behind you as you hurtle towards the finish line. Pace and endurance. You just wish you could find time to sink into the couch like a couple of coins in-between the cushions.

Always let the truth out in crumbs. Only trust animals and the walls with secrets because they can never repeat them. I wish it was possible to carry over context like remainders in math, as a reminder of the sign of the times. I feel like there’s a lot lost in the equation the longer it gets. We may never get the answer or solve the problem, but it’s better than saying “what now?” once you do. Everything is easier to break than it is to make. Relationships included. We can see the horizon on the tops of shoulders and on the backs of dead bodies,

All a sin, all a blessing.

The Color Of South Dakota

Never Tell Ugly Women They’re Beautiful

It only takes one dumb decision to derail everything you’ve done. Bad judgement leads to bad outcomes. It was never my goal to hang around someone who swears they always have the right answers, or can’t see the real picture through the sanctimonious glasses they throw on everyday. Wolf in sheep attire, a bomb in a box, and more blah blah blah about how your existence is so important. It’s not. You have to throw some people away, they’re garbage, going nowhere, and don’t believe succeeding is enough on its own. That’s if you call what they’re doing to be success. I’ve always been unbothered and unworried by it. Which is exactly why when years disappeared by another’s doing I never lost sight of what I set my eyes on. Who are you when other people make or break you? It’s in the testimonials. And I should be upset over another carbon copy? I’m fine. Intimate moments can be replicated, dreams can be sold, and no one stays on the top forever. I’m aware of what this world is, but I can see how it’s hard for other people to see with heads in the clouds.

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